Molested, angry, depressed and the power in forgiveness!
Romans 8:37: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
1 John 4:4: You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
Let me start from the beginning. I am a middle child–I have an older brother and a younger sister. When I was around five years old, my older female cousin molested me. I looked up to her and at the time, she was one of my favorite people so this situation sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. I was so young and couldn’t understand what was going on and didn’t know how to deal with it so I blocked it out of my mind. No recollection, it didn’t happen, and I never talked about it. But with that came an emotional shift. I became angry and mean, and I didn’t care whose feelings I hurt I just wanted people to hurt and feel what I was feeling.
It got to the point where I couldn’t say thank you for the nice things people did for me, and my family wanted me to go to therapy because of my anger issues. I was especially mean to my mom because I was a daddy’s girl. My father meant the world to me–nobody but him. I was mad at her because I felt like she didn’t protect me like a mother should or how I felt she should. I always tried to avoid her until one day it happened. My parents got a divorce!
And I wasn’t upset! I thought that this was my time to go and be with my dad and I’d leave everyone else behind…but my little sister. She looked up to me and if I left she was coming to and I didn’t want to cause any more problems so I stayed. But since I stayed, I made my mother’s life horrible. I even remember telling my mother I hated her. I also picked verbal and physical fights with my brother and sister.
Another area in my life that started to suffer were my grades. When my parents were married, even though I had issues, I was an honor roll student, but after they divorced I did just enough to get by. When I graduated high school I got accepted to the University of Cincinnati. It was the only college I applied to because it was the furthest college away from Cleveland I could attend without leaving the state. The problem was that because I didn’t prepare for college in high school, I wasn’t ready academically so I left to go to the Air Force.
I was so excited until they sent me to Guam. I was by myself and missed my family, yup the ones I was so mean and evil to. I was home sick, got into bad relationships and fell into depression. In my depression I cried a lot and one day I was sitting in my bed crying really hard and I couldn’t understand what was happening and that’s when the memories came back. I remembered how my older cousin molested me and how much I trusted her. I remembered where the emotional and sexual confusion came from, and how I my three-year old sister sat and watched, and how I was mad at her for not being old enough to help me. I hated myself for being the chosen one, why was I the one molested? Everything came back to me in the blink of an eye.
And after I gathered my thoughts I did something most people can’t and won’t do, I forgave my cousin. Why did I forgive her? Because she was only eight and most likely someone did the exact same thing to her and I felt bad for her. You know, forgiving someone is not for the person who inflicted the pain it’s for you. I had to forgive her for me because I knew that I couldn’t be who I was born to be with that type of pain in my heart.
What the enemy meant for bad, God turned around for good. Truly, God is a healer because He healed my broken heart, which allows me to be transparent about my past and help other overcome theirs.
Contact Nic at www.ARandomsLife.com