I am not the fun mom lately. I’m just not.
I’m the cleaning mom, the transportation mom, the feed your face mom, and the get your act together mom, BUT so NOT the fun mom. And that has depressed me a bit if I am being honest.
This is my FAVORITE time of year. Ya know, the warm and fuzzy, make lasting memories time, and for some reason this funk of failure is lingering a bit. Can I just be transparent and say, sometimes I wish I was dad?
There I said it. Don’t judge. It’s true. Sometimes I wish I had his job, his role, his peace of mind, and goodness, even his parts (I mean, pee anywhere, no period, labor, or delivery for that matter…. Just saying.) Truth is, lately, ‘Dad’ is desirable because he is just so much stinking fun! Everyone wants to be around ‘Dad.’
Well ya know, just putting blocks away for the umpteenth time. Oh and making a fifth option for dinner for the two year old with a ‘tude. (Not the usual, but energy lacks…)
And putting away the laundry, from last week’s loads.
And secretly sulking in my head about the lack of time I have to do the things that I want to do.
Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Or accurate?
This picture, with my son slathered on my head, well I took it myself. Why? I was pissed. Sorry for the weak vocabulary, but seriously, it was my breaking point- the point that I rightly earned the title, ‘Not Fun Mom’. Well, I gave it to myself anyway. And boy have I been wearing it since.
He just wanted to be playful. He wanted to climb mommy mountain, land in my lap, and get tickled silly. Normally, NORMALLY this is no problem. However, that was not the case. I had already been pushed to my limits, and I did not feel like giving anymore. Playing anymore. Listening anymore. Answering anymore. Doing. Anymore.
Leave it to good Ol Facebook to show me what a rotten decision I had made, and to only solidify it with the ‘fun filled’ pics of craft making, tree decorating, and memory creating moms everywhere!
Not me. Just good ol’ ‘No Fun Nancy’ pouting away at the time she doesn’t have to do what she probably wouldn’t do anyway… Man, I can really make a mind mess in my cray head sometimes. Seriously.
So because Facebook showed me how awful I was, and because for a few days my husbands awesomeness was highlighted to me in my stank frame of mind, I checked out. I stayed up unnecessary hours conversing with myself over and over again about what I need to do different and say different and be different. I had long dialogues with my heart about my purpose here. Battle after imaginary battle, I talked to myself in ways I would never let anyone else talk to me… EVER.
You know where I got myself with all that nonsense? No stinking where. I got myself, tired, frustrated, depressed and not at all making my #MinutesMatter! 😉
Are you waiting for the turn around in all of this, the final answer and resolution?
Well, you may be slightly disappointed, but I refuse to be anything less than transparent here. I am still waiting too; waiting for the total fix that is. But I am making progress. So I thought if I write about it, if I get it out of my system and share it with you, maybe you can say, ‘Hey Jos, I understand, me too friend, me too.’
Can you? That’s truly what I desire most outta the time we spend together here. Some arm linking and Lord seeking ya know?
Here is what I can share that is on the up and up.
In those wee hours, I talk to Jesus. Like for real hash it out with Him. I tell Him my frustrations. I pour out my inconsistencies at His feet and you know what I have truly experienced? When I exhaust myself and finally let Him respond? He calms my heart and slows my mind. It’s true. When I can be quiet long enough to listen, He answers.
So last night, one of the worst yet, I wrestled some of this. Then I stopped. I asked Him what He thought. He told me this, and maybe He’s telling you the same thing:
‘Woman,’ (not really, but funny none the less) more like,
Right now you are not the fun mom. You are not the play Minnie Mouse, crash cars, and teach them all they need to know immediately mom, right now. That is ok. And can you stop with the titles anyway? You are exactly who I picked to love those babies I gave you. Right now. You are that mom. You may not be the tell stories about crazy battles, bodily functions, and superheroes mom, but you do listen. Right now you may not wrestle and tickle non stop, but you cuddle and kiss when needed most. You my daughter, are a good mom. They pick you for the boo boos and the bandaids. They pick you for the night time snuggles and song. They pick you in unfamiliarity because you are comfort. Always. You do not know the purpose of your role right now but I do. The insignificant efforts you feel that you are making today, will one day make sense and the results will astound you.
Trust me. In this season, you may think so much of this has to do with raising your children, truth is, I am also interested in raising you… I am doing a work in you through all of this. Let Me.
Right now as you feel so insufficient, allow Me to work there. Stop trying to be everything to them and others. You cannot. Instead fine tune your efforts into spending time with me, and just loving them, the best ways you can, right now. Seasons, time, both change quickly. Today, my grace is sufficient.’
And with that I rested. I can’t be everything to them, in doing so, one day, I may skew their need for Jesus. For now, I can love them and keep on surrendering my crazy brain at night over to Him, in exchange for His peace and encouragement. He promises this: I will keep in PERFECT PEACE those whose minds stay on ME, because they trust in ME. Isaiah 26:3.
I believe this because I live this many nights lately. My brain starts, my heart follows, and off to the races we go. BUT when I simply stop and listen, I even just utter His name and say this verse, change happens. Truthfully.
Today, I may not be fun mom but I am the mom they know will bring them comfort and love. Always. There is always room for growth and I am open to it. But I don’t think we can grow until we realize where we are planted. Today, I realize I am who God created me to be to them right now. May I give myself grace to grow from there…
Thanks for listening. You helped me tonight.
Oh and p.s. I told my son that I was having a tough night, he seriously responded with this, “Well Mommy, I love you and want to help you. Ok? So here’s what will do. When you are sad can you just come get a big kiss from me, Ok? I think that will shoot the sadness right out of your heart. If I am not here then make sure to ask sister or daddy. Ok? I think you’re the best mommy of anywhere. Ever. Night!”
And I cried… He didn’t see it. But I did. See how the Lord works? Oh how dysfunctional my brain can be…
Learning With You, 🙂